Vol.I Written by Ken "Too Raw for TV" Brenner Edition 1

Welcome to www.rvcnewsletter.awesome! Take a look around, there's sure to be something you can use to make me look like dorkus maximus(I love slang Latin, it makes real-latin speaking people angry.)

I. Today's Useless News Story

II. The RVC Rant

III. Link of the Week

IV. Quote of the Week

V. Band/Song of the Week

VI. Magic Flavor Text of the Week

VII. Week of the Week

VIII. Un-Safety Tips

IX. Totally Top Ten

X. In Conclusion

XI. NOT!

XII. Fractured Inspiration

XIII. Don't and Really Don'ts

XIV. Short Takes

XV. Game Over

During Prof. Melchiore Laucella's POL 1 class at CW Post, a sophomore student was harshly reprimanded for an illegal procedure known as "showing interest".

Around 2:47 EST, student Dana Tyler was rebuked by Prof. Laucella for "heinous crimes" involving the discussion of relevant subject matter to the current topic. Said Laucella, 'The very idea that students would be interested in my class is repulsive. What has today's student population come to?" Sources close to Tyler say that she "was merely asking Anne Marie[Enriquez] about the importance of interest groups in society", when Laucella lashed out with a "Is there a problem?" and "I wish you'd stay focused." A poll taken later in the class revealed that all other students "couldn't care less" about the entire ordeal, but student interest in class material will be monitored from now on as a growing area of crime.

It seems to me that today, the soft drink question has exploded into all-out war, with either side already preparing nuclear warheads. But, to see how this humongous pile of human bickering began, lets go to the roots of the problem.

Back in some day when most of the people alive are now dead, two companies came out with rival products: Pepsi came out with Pepsi-Cola and Coke came out with Coca-Cola. Now, today there is a rumor that Coca-Cola had cocaine in it, but I think if that had been true even for a while wed still be guzzling Coke by the bucket.

Well, by and by, people got sick of Pepsi and Coke, and besides, the kids back then were staying out past 8 pm because of all the sugar, so the two companies introduced DIET Pepsi and DIET Coke. So now, everyone could have much less sugar with MUCH LESS GOOD TASTE!

However, DIET Pepsi and DIET Coke werent the real solution, it was that blasted Caffeine that was keeping kids out into the early evening. So, now, the companies introduced Caffeine Free Pepsi and Caffeine FREE Coke... and now the little kids went to bed at the normal time of 5:30 pm.

But the insanity doesnt stop there. No, America has this cute little way of cramming things down your throats until it quite literally comes back up. So, now, for all those indecsive soda pop drinkers, the companies released the least useless of all their products: CAFFEINE FREE DIET Pepsi and CAFFEINE FREE DIET Coke. Basically, soda without that "soda" part. Thanks a lot guys, youve ruined my life.

Oh wait, did I mention all the other nonsense? Coke introduces Sprite, Cherry Coke, Barqs Root Beer, Barqs Creme Soda, Nestea, Citra, Diet Coke With Lemon, Vanilla Coke and yeah, there were Diets made of most of those, probably even the Diet Coke with Lemon.

Pepsi introduces 7UP, Cherry 7UP, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew Code Red, Mug Root Beer, Mug Creme Soda, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi Twist and yeah, same deal, Diets all around...

Now, as bad as is it with Soft Drinks, the market would be tolerable if it was kept to that level. But these companies have invaded fast food chains. McDonalds, Nathans and Wendys have been corralled by Coke while Burger King, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut have been stringed along by Pepsi. If it gets any worse, imagine the chaos:

La-Z-Boy showcases the "Pepsi Palooza" Kids room.

Norditrack, features the new "Coca-Cola Rock n Rolla" workout machine...

HIP, the health insurance agency, offers the "Pepsi for Epilepsy" plan

The TRUTH freaks air the commercial "Coke Is Much Cooler Than Smoke"

Blink 182 releases the "Coke or Pepsi? It Doesnt Matter Were Still Sellouts" LP

IBM introduces the new "Diet Pentium with Lemon" Processor

Sony makes the "Pepsistation" gaming console.

Frito-Lay introduces "Doritos Extreme: Code Red Potato Chips"

ACE Hardware comes out with "Barqs Handsaw"

NSync endorses Pepsi, the Backstreet Boys endorse Coke, and prepubescent girls start drinking soda again.

And somewhere in the middle of all this, Foldgers will make idiots of themselves again by introducing "Caffeine Free Coffee, Also Available in Decaf" The best part of waking up... is realizing youre not as dumb as the people at Foldgers.

But well be honest, soda is mostly for kids. So, lets look at it from a kids point-of-view:

Blues Clues comes on in 10 minutes, so you take one look at Coke, one look at Pepsi, flip them both off, go to the store and buy some freakin RC Cola. The REAL Soda.

www.homestarrunner.com Just click on the green "First Time Here?" button, and then be as happy as a little girl. I, just like Strong Bad, highly suggest checking out the "Strong Bad E-mails".

"All trespassers will be shot. All survivors will be shot again."

- Grand Theft Auto, Vice City

Not only does this song open WWE Raw, it also acts as a good theme for the youth of America. It is also naturally fortified with vitamins.

"Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Die!" - Goblin chant

From: Goblin Digging Team

Yes, it's official, the best week to occur this week was... well.... this week. What were you expecting? Some brilliant symposium on the nature of time? Stupid ass-clown.

You know, plenty of sources offer safety tips to help ensure a healthy lifestyle. Well, I'm very upset that no one argues the other side of the story, un-safety tips.

1. Build a playground in the middle of Sunrise Highway.

2. Practice hotwiring on cars in shopping mall parking lots.

3. Always turn the opposite direction of your blinker.

4. Be daring. Pull out from your garage and THEN open the door.

5. It's your road. You decide which way the one-way streets should go.

6. Green means "go", yellow means "go faster" red means "speed through".

7. The STOP signs are meant for other people.

8. Tailgate pedestrians.

10. Hell

9. Caught in a lawnmower

8. Any motel that has waterbeds

7. Harlem

6. Back in grammar school

5. Retaking the IOWA tests

4. In Israel wearing a "PLO Rulz" T-shirt

3. Locked in a movie theatre watching 'Jingle All the Way" over and over

2. In a death grip from an alligator

1. That bar were you totally got wasted the night before.

And so, we now wrap up this newsletter, and head to section XI.

Just kidding, we've got some more stuff to b.s. about.

The early bird catches the worm. Yes, but the late bird gets the four-course dinner.

DON'T: Forget to take a shower before a date.

REALLY DON'T: Remind your date to take a shower.

DON'T: Flip off your teacher.

REALLY DON'T: Turn on your teacher.

DON'T: Do drugs.

REALLY DON'T: Do druggies.

DON'T: Ask a poor man for spare change.

REALLY DON'T: Ask to be changed to a poor man.

DON'T: Forget to put your phone back on it's charger.

REALLY DON'T: Charge backwards into your phone.

It is unadvisable to carry volitale liquids in paper cups.

I met one guy I didn't like, so I automatically hated the next guy I talked to.

For each dollar you spend, you get a dollar of worthless shit.

I like personal computers, and I like basketball, but I am NOT interested in personal balls.

How come all those "great" men are dead?

Once, there was a boy. Then he grew into a man. Then he died. Tough luck.

If each person you meet wants to take your money, how the hell did you get it in the first place?

I like department stores... I can see the terrible lows we have sunk to in one place.

How come it's called 7-11 if it's open 24 hours a day?

I don't understand. Humans are all equal, but I KNOW some people are shorter than me.

That's all. Game over. I don't know how often I'll make these, but I hope you enjoyed it! Increase the freakin' peace!