Vol.I Written by Ken "Something for the Kids" Brenner Edition 2

Mr. RVC Newsletter welcomes you! Like I said, I'll be sending these when I have time, which is either never or always. Anyone who has contributions for future newsletter, please e-mail them to my "funny" e-mail address, StonedSeph@hotmail.com. It can be anything you want, it doesn't have to be funny(hell, half of the stuff in here isn't)!

I. Today's Useless News Story

II. The RVC Rant

III. Link of the Week

IV. Quote of the Week

V. Band/Song of the Week

VI. Magic Flavor Text of the Week

VII. Week of the Week

VIII. Un-Safety Tips

IX. Totally Top Ten

X. Fractured Inspiration

XI. Don't and Really Don'ts

XII. Short Takes

XIII. Game Over

After repeated failure to grab the American public's attention, Osama Bin Laden has moved from terrorist threats to warnings that America will be plagued with re-runs of the once-popular children's show "Barney".

Bin Laden admitted that his previous threats had been a ruse, with no actual weight behind them. However, he claims the now-called "Purple Scare" to be quite real ,with plaguing of American Broadcasting networks as early as next week. Said Bin Laden, "America shall fear the Wrath of the Great Purple Prophet, who is second only to Allah." President Bush said that America has been upgrade to the secret "Purple Alert Status", and already banned "I Love You, You Love Me" across the nation's radio networks. He has gone as far as to encourage Weird Al and other parodists to create sick and vulgar spins on the once-loveable song. Said Bush, "America has done all it can to prepare. All we can do is hope that Bin Laden has enough marbles left to withhold this terror from the civilized world."

Somewhere down the line, someone decided that human beings, the most intelligent and the only sentient race on the planet, could not live decently without signs to govern our daily movements.

I however, feel that they mock the American people, and constantly keep us below "being all that we can be".

Let's start with road signs. As you're driving along, one of the most frequent signs we see is "Speed Limit", featuring various speeds. Now, I don't know about you, but my car can certainly go above all the posted numbers. I feel offended when some sign tells me that my speed limit is 45 mph when I full well know my car can do 115. And what the hell is it with all the various numbers. A man could get confused by going 40, then 15 in a school zone, then 25 around a curve, opening up to 55 on a parkway and 70 on a highway. I mean, what the bloody hell is going on? Not only are they lying to us about the speed limit of our car, but that limit can randomly change? "Oops, you're in Nebraska now, you can do 70 mph here!" Bullshit. My car can do 115 mph whenever it damn well pleases.

Okay, the next problem is with the "Left Turn Must Turn Left" and "Right Lane Must Turn Right". You know what I say to whatever bright young chap invented that idea? Fuck you. I'm the one behind the wheel. I know for a fact that I can turn my wheel to go left, go right, continue straight or a combination of the three. Just because you put a stupid sign there doesn't prevent my car from turning or going wherever I want it to. We have freedom of speech, religion, the press, but apparently we don't have freedom of going where we need to go.

One more car sign I hate: Slow Children Playing. Okay, this sign is just terribly indecent. I mean, if I was the parent of a slow kid, or hell, if I was a slow kid, I would be pissed to hell that some government pig thought it was funny to put that sign up. It doesn't even serve a purpose. All it will do is make some jackoff driving a Camaro speed through to see if he hits anybody. I think we should let the slow children play and NOT tell the rest of the world about it.

Okay, so on to Pedestrian signs. "Keep off the Grass". Excuse me? Am I the only one confused here? I thought the purpose of grass was to walk on it. It's there so we don't have to feel the bare ground beneath our feet. And besides, grass is not exotic or anything. It's not an endangered species. I could see if we have signs like "Keep off the Amazon Rainforest" or "No Littering in the Everglades", but somehow, the health of grass doesn't seem like it should be the number on of our nation's concerns. And besides, how do you explain that sign to the cows that need to graze on grass to survive?

Finally, we have the worst sign of all time: "Push Button to Cross Street". This thing is so misleading, it's scary. I push the button just like the sign tells me, start crossing the street, and then WHOOM!, a freakin' Ford Taurus nearly sends me to that big asylum in the sky. I mean, what the hell? What do they want me to do? Wait for all the cars to stop? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the button at all? I feel like a powerless little rat when I push it, because I know it does nothing. It may as well be a free-for-all, I think I'd be safer.

www.theonion.com Ah, the Onion. The inspiration for my daily news story. Check out some of the archives, especially Point-Counterpoint and What Do You Think?

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."

- Britney Spears

I don't know about you guys, but the situation described in the song may be the coolest thing on ever.

"The only 'art' these beats possess is the art of noise! - Jaya Ballard

From: Gorilla War Cry

Despite a close race, 63% of Americans agree that the best week to occur this week... was... well... this week. Enjoy!

You know, plenty of sources offer safety tips to help ensure a healthy lifestyle. Well, I'm very upset that no one argues the other side of the story, un-safety tips.

1. Combine your kitchen and bathroom into one room.

2. Steal a set of defibulator pads from a hospital for fun at birthday parties.

3. Stick random metal objects into outlets.

4. If a plug you want to unplug it too hard to reach, simply cut the wire.

5. See how well combustible solids heat in your stove.

6. Be daring. Use the George Foreman Grill as an iron for clothing.

7. Detach all your fire alarms and hold a cookout in your living room.

8. Fix that broken telephone line yourself, don't wait for Verizon to come.

10. Bombing Nagasaki again just for fun.

9. Launching a Saddam Hussein doll into the sun.

8. Pretending to grant Puerto Rico independence.

7. Making the French surrender... again.

6. Moving headquarters to Baghdad.

5. Having a "UN Survivor" reality TV show.

4. Continuing to act like grumpy old men and women.

3. Locking themselves in a movie theater and watching "Jingle All the Way" Over and Over.

2. Taking 7 years of absence to gamble all the organization's funds in Atlantic City.

1. Disbanding themselves and returning to good old-fashioned war and chaos.

"Not act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." Unless you give money to a carnie. I can guarantee that no good will come of that.

DON'T: Forget to put your seat belt on.

REALLY DON'T: Attach your belt to your seat.

DON'T: Angrily rip people off.

REALLY DON'T: Rip on angry people.

DON'T: Argue with a wise man.

REALLY DON'T: Argue with a gangster.

DON'T: Go out with someone's ex.

REALLY DON'T: Go out with that someone.

DON'T: Forget to put out the trash.

REALLY DON'T: Get put out for being trash.

How come they call it a "Made for TV Movie" when it looks like it was made for the denizens of hell?

I never did like the circus. They remind me of the eventual evolution of society.

I bought a piece of clothing once. Then I bought another... and another... damn, I've wasted a whole shit load of money on clothing.

I guess I could call myself good at skateboarding... if I redefine good to mean "one who is able to stay on the board."

Why do families stop having babies after a while?

The mirror scares me. It shows me that someone in alternate universe is mocking me again.

I was never too good with money. Then again, since I spent it all, I guess I'm great at money but terrible at saving it.

Fire is fun, just ask a tree.

They call it Blockbuster, yet it fits into the area of 2 small houses.

Which would you rather have? One dog with 1200 feet or 300 dogs?

That's all. Game over. Again, I hope you enjoyed this and I look forward to making more of them. Comments/Suggestions/Hate Messages? IM me at the screen name Yield4Ken or send your thoughts to StonedSeph@hotmail.com Increase the freakin' peace!